Redemption

It was my first shift back to work since the accident and I felt disjointed. My movements were awkward and stiff, my brain flitted like a magpie from thought to thought. I couldn't get my bearings. It had only been a few weeks, but it was enough that I felt like I couldn't remember half of what I'd always known, and I felt like a danger. As I tapped yet another medication into my drug guide app, my eyes welled up with tears. I blinked a few times, then dashed them away with the back of my hand and reached for the small box of kleenex on the back of the med cart.

"Relax, Annie. Deep breaths." Dave's hand ran across my shoulders. I couldn't have asked for a better partner on my first night back. He was always calm, always collected. And always quick to make a joke at his own expense. He was one of the best nurses I'd ever worked with.

"I'm sorry, Dave, I just feel so-"

"Lost, I get it. Do you want me to give your meds?" He interrupted. I didn't though. I knew if I gave up now, I'd quit and never come back. I shook my head and he turned away and sat back down at the nursing station. My assessments had been so much smoother than the meds were going. The instinctive memory of assessing my patient had always taken over, and tonight was no exception. But when it came to giving the medications, my brain just wasn't ready to be back at work. It was a weird disconnect. I refocused myself and went back to preparing the antibiotic IV medication for my patient. I was so intent on my task, I barely moved when the code alarm rang. It was for a different unit and I noticed as the tension melted out of my shoulders.

I took the bag of medication into the patient's room and set it up to run. He smiled weakly and thanked me before I turned and left. As I walked out of the room, I bumped into another patient. I put my hand out to stabilize him, but he was obviously getting close to discharge, as he was solid, and strong. His arm wrapped around my waist to hold me up instead. I looked up, startled, and then relaxed into the arm. It was Jack. He'd been Dan's best friend. The accident that had stolen my husband away from me had nearly stolen Jack as well.

"Jack! You look ready to leave." I was surprised. He'd only been moved out of the ICU a week ago.

"Doc says if I keep moving, and my pain keeps off, I can go home by the weekend."

"That's wonderful news! Mara must be so happy!" Jack's wife was approaching her due date, with twins. Jack needed to be home and functional before she went into labour.

"To say happy would be an understatement. How are you managing?" His eyebrows wrinkled together as he asked. I knew it was a combination of concern and dread that was causing the furrow.

"It's going okay. The insurance has been really fast, and the lawyers are really pushing to get this settled right away. The inspector said it was pretty straightforward, so it shouldn't get held up, which is good."

"Yeah, I heard that the investigation had wrapped up. But how are you doing? You look tired."

"I'm not sleeping really well. Every time I fall asleep, I relive the whole night again. I saw the counsellor the chief recommended, and that's sort of helping. I'm sure it's worse for you." I wasn't the one who'd watched his best friend die doing the job they both loved.

"I'm fortunate enough to be getting very strong drugs at night. And I won't ever be going back to work in a fire hall, so that's some pressure off. Chief's already been in to let me know I'm go for inspector training."

"That's fantastic news."

"I loved my job. And I loved working with Danny. I'm worried about you, Annie."

"Thanks. But don't. I'll get through this." I pulled away from him and squeezed his hand before I walked back to the nurses station. Jack looked ten years older. Dan had landed on top of him when they'd fallen, so his burns were mostly on his hands, and they looked so good. It was hard to believe he and Dan had been in the same accident, in the same fire. It was a blessing that Danny had died. There was almost nowhere on my husband that hadn't been eaten away by the flames.

I sat down and dropped my head into my hands. I wasn't sure I was going to get through it. I knew my life would never be the same. I was a widow, and I was 31 years old. Who did that even happen to? I mean, other than me? Dave rubbed my neck.

"Are you sure you want to stay? You don't have to. You can come back once Jack's discharged," he offered.

"Dave, Jack was my husband's best friend. I can't spend the rest of my life avoiding him."

"I didn't say the rest of your life. Dude has discharge orders for day after tomorrow. You can come back for your next set."

"I appreciate what you're saying, Dave, but I'm fine." I blew my nose, and wiped my eyes, and set about finishing my night duties.

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